PAGE 1- The SPARK or realization

Transference?  Fancy word, right? Bet some of you don’t really understand its meaning though.  I certainly didn’t, and quite possibly still don’t. As I was doing my research, I discovered this term is often used in therapy.  Makes sense because I discovered this word from typing into google my feelings about my therapist. Seems strange to be asking google about my therapist when google seems to be one in itself…besides the fact that it offers free and somewhat useless information most the time. SHH don’t tell him(her?), that i said that.  ANYWAYS, before I continue on this tangent, let me just explain what I have been feeling. SO basically, I started feeling like I was a little bit of a creep to be honest. Ha, imagine that…me feeling like I was a societal term that is perceived quite negatively. Well, after reading multiple stories that aligned with what I was feeling, the term “creep” began to feel normal. NORMAL…. Who even invented this word and decided that it was what we are supposed to be?  Well, anywhom, I recently realized I was having kinda obsessive thoughts about my therapist. Not in a scary or romantic way, but in a way that made me admire her and think about her so much throughout the day. I was thinking about how she always knows what to say, she connects everything in my life like one giant simple puzzle, she believes in me, she is shocked by what I go through, she genuinely feels hurt when I am hurt, she wants me to be okay and knows I will be okay, she sees me as a fighter, she listens so intently, she gets disappointed, proud, etc.  But, why the hell was I thinking of her so much and feeling guilty that if I make a wrong choice in my life that she would be upset. Why was I and why am I still so fixated on trying to prove to her that she should be proud of me. WELP, it turns out, there is this completely common phenomenon known as that fancy little T word. According to our little friend google, “Transference” refers to certain unconsciously redirected feelings, fears, or emotions from a client towards the counsellor that actually stems from past feelings and interactions with others and is transferred into the current counselling relationship.” It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that I am a people pleaser.  I think that is the first thing most people pick up on. I don’t know how to say no, I like getting good grades, I like when people give me high fives and stickers.  I have always been this way from what I can remember. I think it stems from my childhood(what doesn’t stem from childhood these days??). I have always wanted to please my parents and prove to them that I am a good daughter.  It just so adds up as to why I would want my counselor to listen to my truth and tell me I am doing good. However, when I tell her that I fall back into my habits or that I made a wrong choice and sense that “disappointment” from her, I find myself angry and upset like I have failed her something.  I am transferring my guilt-felt and disappointed emotions from my childhood onto my counselor and am starting to view her as a mother figure I assume?? I am having trouble putting it all together, but as vulnerable as I am being and as hard as it is to admit, I do feel that I am “obsessed” with her. She is a strong woman. She is someone that I look up to and someone I want to be like and to be able to handle the situations the way she tells me to.  I guess I fear I am going to lose her and that she will one day just give up on me, and think there is nothing else to try for me. I don’t get why I am feeling this way, but I am. I have noticed this happens with teachers that I have found to be role models for me, and often, they are all strong female teachers. It feels kinda weird just discovering this now, but I feel safe when talking about it. I feel like I am not a “weirdo” and that there are thousands of others that experience these same thoughts.  I only hope that you all that are looking behind a screen and researching evidence to support that you are normal know that there is no such thing as normal, but I guarantee you that if you have felt one way, there is someone else feeling that same exact feelings . You are safe and your feelings are so very loved and valued and most importantly VALID. Long story short, HI, my name is Lily Jordan and welcome to my blog:)

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