Page 2- my black nail polish

After taking off my acrylics and realizing my nails were destroyed, I knew I needed to do something. I went into my sisters room (sorry Jojo) and found some old cheap nail polish and a clear top coat. PERFECT. I can just do my own nails and not spend a dime. I quickly lathered the black color over my nails and put about 5 layers on thinking that this would help the cheap polish stay on for weeks. Unfortunately, they did chip the next day, but it was worth a shot, right? Thinking about it now, I realize that I was so quick to cover up my imperfect nails. They looked broken, short, indented, and thin. I was not about to have anyone look at my nails that way, therefore the darkest of all nail polish was the perfect solution in my mind. It would just cover everything up, and the more layers that I added on would just keep piling and covering and piling and covering. To me, I was ignoring what was underneath. As long as it was hidden, it didn’t matter that it was still there. Sadly, this is not the case in life. We can’t just keep burying what is underneath and think that by coating everything with a pretty polish will solve all of our problems. It is easy to run away from the “ugly” truth and hide from our fears, but that will only last until you feel yourself starting to crack again. Reality vs illusion my friends. Anyone can appear polished from the outside, but remember that there is always an underneath. There is always something that we as humans are hiding or not willing to face. What would happen if we started to take a deeper look at what is underneath? Can we take the time to heal before we cover up? After all, that black nail polish won’t last forever.

PAGE 1- The SPARK or realization

Transference?  Fancy word, right? Bet some of you don’t really understand its meaning though.  I certainly didn’t, and quite possibly still don’t. As I was doing my research, I discovered this term is often used in therapy.  Makes sense because I discovered this word from typing into google my feelings about my therapist. Seems strange to be asking google about my therapist when google seems to be one in itself…besides the fact that it offers free and somewhat useless information most the time. SHH don’t tell him(her?), that i said that.  ANYWAYS, before I continue on this tangent, let me just explain what I have been feeling. SO basically, I started feeling like I was a little bit of a creep to be honest. Ha, imagine that…me feeling like I was a societal term that is perceived quite negatively. Well, after reading multiple stories that aligned with what I was feeling, the term “creep” began to feel normal. NORMAL…. Who even invented this word and decided that it was what we are supposed to be?  Well, anywhom, I recently realized I was having kinda obsessive thoughts about my therapist. Not in a scary or romantic way, but in a way that made me admire her and think about her so much throughout the day. I was thinking about how she always knows what to say, she connects everything in my life like one giant simple puzzle, she believes in me, she is shocked by what I go through, she genuinely feels hurt when I am hurt, she wants me to be okay and knows I will be okay, she sees me as a fighter, she listens so intently, she gets disappointed, proud, etc.  But, why the hell was I thinking of her so much and feeling guilty that if I make a wrong choice in my life that she would be upset. Why was I and why am I still so fixated on trying to prove to her that she should be proud of me. WELP, it turns out, there is this completely common phenomenon known as that fancy little T word. According to our little friend google, “Transference” refers to certain unconsciously redirected feelings, fears, or emotions from a client towards the counsellor that actually stems from past feelings and interactions with others and is transferred into the current counselling relationship.” It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that I am a people pleaser.  I think that is the first thing most people pick up on. I don’t know how to say no, I like getting good grades, I like when people give me high fives and stickers.  I have always been this way from what I can remember. I think it stems from my childhood(what doesn’t stem from childhood these days??). I have always wanted to please my parents and prove to them that I am a good daughter.  It just so adds up as to why I would want my counselor to listen to my truth and tell me I am doing good. However, when I tell her that I fall back into my habits or that I made a wrong choice and sense that “disappointment” from her, I find myself angry and upset like I have failed her something.  I am transferring my guilt-felt and disappointed emotions from my childhood onto my counselor and am starting to view her as a mother figure I assume?? I am having trouble putting it all together, but as vulnerable as I am being and as hard as it is to admit, I do feel that I am “obsessed” with her. She is a strong woman. She is someone that I look up to and someone I want to be like and to be able to handle the situations the way she tells me to.  I guess I fear I am going to lose her and that she will one day just give up on me, and think there is nothing else to try for me. I don’t get why I am feeling this way, but I am. I have noticed this happens with teachers that I have found to be role models for me, and often, they are all strong female teachers. It feels kinda weird just discovering this now, but I feel safe when talking about it. I feel like I am not a “weirdo” and that there are thousands of others that experience these same thoughts.  I only hope that you all that are looking behind a screen and researching evidence to support that you are normal know that there is no such thing as normal, but I guarantee you that if you have felt one way, there is someone else feeling that same exact feelings . You are safe and your feelings are so very loved and valued and most importantly VALID. Long story short, HI, my name is Lily Jordan and welcome to my blog:)

Well, hey there!!

Thanks so much for deciding to enter into my site today! If you are into reading the thoughts of a girl who is just trying to puzzle life together and process through it, then you’re at the right place.  I promise to always write with the truest of intentions and to allow for a world of discussion.  However, life isn’t just one uphill rollercoaster, so if my words don’t jump off the page with excitemnt every time, I truly apologize.  I’m a working progress and so is this website, but if you are willing to stick with me as I process through daily life, I greatly appreciate you.  I’m beyond excited to sprinkle in my tidbits and life mottos and I sincerely hope it will touch just one person in the crowd of thousands out there. 

“Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process.” 

architecture bridge brooklyn bridge city
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-Alexandera Stoddard